Hey ~ clubbers, this is a weird one, but I also feel like I’m among fairly self-aware people here, many I am familiar with and respect, and many others who are the kind of people who would be on this list to begin with.
I doubt the question I’m posing will be lost on you. And if it goes unanswered, well, I know it’s a pretty expansive and personal question. Maybe some of you will find it relevant, maybe you won’t. At the heart of the issue is my love of making things, and finding myself with no direction that leads me toward doing so.
Think that’s enough self-conscious sandbagging to cover the bases.
I’m 33 and I’ve been self-employed as a writer for most of my adult life. I stuck with it because circumstances demanded it – I’ve dealt with a lot of weirdly evenly spaced deaths in my family, been an estate executor twice, and now I am the last of my kind. I’m good at what I do, I negotiate and organize like nobody’s business, I work hard, I’ve got intensity and grit, I am dead calm in any storm. All things I learned from being executor of two estates at 19 while attending school full time.
The problem is, I no longer know what to do with any of that. Life quieted down so much after fifteen years of utter chaos, and now I’m incredibly aware of the fact that I’ve got nowhere to go back to and nowhere I’m expected to show up. I feel like a ship without a rudder, just drifting around without any direction, on a sea that’s gone calm for the first time I can remember.
It’s got me thinking of what all of the energy I used on tragedy could go toward. How I might be even better at my work. It’s got me thinking about taking a full time job somewhere I can mitigate chaos and make life easier for others besides myself. It’s got me thinking about going off to some foreign country for a few years. I don’t know. I’ve just started taking really crazy shots in the dark lately to try to find new things I could say yes to, but I don’t have any real sense of direction.
I don’t know if there’s an “answer” that makes this adrift, dislodged, floating feeling go away, but I need to find some new way forward now that it seems none of the old rules that I’m used to apply anymore.
If you’ve felt anything like this before, how’d you deal with it?
I’ve absolutely felt this way. I’m not a professional and my results may vary, but here’s what I’ve found.
I was kicked out of school as a kid, sent away to bad kids school, etc etc. I used to be called an “at risk youth.” I sort of feel like I grew up like a desert plant clinging to the side of a mountaintop with not much water. I’m good at that kind of living.
So as things got a bit easier, it was confusing. I like it when it’s hard. So the answer for me is: pick hard things. Easier said than done, but that’s the general direction. But then — get ready for a twist — eventually I discovered the hardest trick of all: slowing down.
When I think of slowing down and being less productive as “being lazy” then I have no patience for it. But when I think of it as “I already beat the rest of the video game and now this is the final boss” then I can take it more seriously and try to “kick butt at worrying less at kicking butt."
My best friend wrote this, and I share it with people asking similar questions. It might work for you: http://jetfuel.metalbat.com/blah/ftd.html http://jetfuel.metalbat.com/blah/ftd.html
Good luck!
On 18/09/2019, at 10:09 AM, Joseph Rooks josephrooks@gmail.com wrote:
Hey ~ clubbers, this is a weird one, but I also feel like I’m among fairly self-aware people here, many I am familiar with and respect, and many others who are the kind of people who would be on this list to begin with. I doubt the question I’m posing will be lost on you. And if it goes unanswered, well, I know it’s a pretty expansive and personal question. Maybe some of you will find it relevant, maybe you won’t. At the heart of the issue is my love of making things, and finding myself with no direction that leads me toward doing so. Think that’s enough self-conscious sandbagging to cover the bases. I’m 33 and I’ve been self-employed as a writer for most of my adult life. I stuck with it because circumstances demanded it – I’ve dealt with a lot of weirdly evenly spaced deaths in my family, been an estate executor twice, and now I am the last of my kind. I’m good at what I do, I negotiate and organize like nobody’s business, I work hard, I’ve got intensity and grit, I am dead calm in any storm. All things I learned from being executor of two estates at 19 while attending school full time. The problem is, I no longer know what to do with any of that. Life quieted down so much after fifteen years of utter chaos, and now I’m incredibly aware of the fact that I’ve got nowhere to go back to and nowhere I’m expected to show up. I feel like a ship without a rudder, just drifting around without any direction, on a sea that’s gone calm for the first time I can remember. It’s got me thinking of what all of the energy I used on tragedy could go toward. How I might be even better at my work. It’s got me thinking about taking a full time job somewhere I can mitigate chaos and make life easier for others besides myself. It’s got me thinking about going off to some foreign country for a few years. I don’t know. I’ve just started taking really crazy shots in the dark lately to try to find new things I could say yes to, but I don’t have any real sense of direction. I don’t know if there’s an “answer” that makes this adrift, dislodged, floating feeling go away, but I need to find some new way forward now that it seems none of the old rules that I’m used to apply anymore. If you’ve felt anything like this before, how’d you deal with it?
I don’t know if there’s an “answer” that makes this adrift, dislodged, floating feeling go away, but I need to find some new way forward now that it seems none of the old rules that I’m used to apply anymore.
If you’ve felt anything like this before, how’d you deal with it?
It will require some research, but I think a career advisor is a way to approach this. As an outsider, they may be able to help give you perspective that you cannot have.
A good one will have heard countless other stories. They can act as a seasoned decider in helping you figure out what matters.
It's an option worth considering if you haven't before. I'm wishing you the best of luck. Don't feel discouraged.
If it’s any consolation, I’ve been feeling exactly the same way for quite some time now. It feels like something in the zeitgeist to me.
A lot of us here are in tech, and while most of us were probably never exactly utopian Kool Aid drinkers, it’s pretty hard to feel even neutral at this point about having devoted an entire career to a field that has had such a profoundly negative effect on society in the past decade.
My wife was a theater student at NYU when 9/11 happened, and a bunch of her friends had a similar crisis after the disaster: “How can we be spending our time studying art when the world is going to hell?” One of her best friends dropped out for awhile and became an EMT (she eventually came back and is now an up-and-coming director, so hey, that’s something!).
I know I find it increasingly difficult to find meaning in my work as a (sigh) computer programmer. Everything seems absurd and hollow given what the world is going through. We’re in a time of profound change and uncertainty, and unfortunately I think profound psychic dislocation comes with the territory.
On Tue, Sep 17, 2019 at 3:09 PM Joseph Rooks josephrooks@gmail.com wrote:
Hey ~ clubbers, this is a weird one, but I also feel like I’m among fairly self-aware people here, many I am familiar with and respect, and many others who are the kind of people who would be on this list to begin with.
I doubt the question I’m posing will be lost on you. And if it goes unanswered, well, I know it’s a pretty expansive and personal question. Maybe some of you will find it relevant, maybe you won’t. At the heart of the issue is my love of making things, and finding myself with no direction that leads me toward doing so.
Think that’s enough self-conscious sandbagging to cover the bases.
I’m 33 and I’ve been self-employed as a writer for most of my adult life. I stuck with it because circumstances demanded it – I’ve dealt with a lot of weirdly evenly spaced deaths in my family, been an estate executor twice, and now I am the last of my kind. I’m good at what I do, I negotiate and organize like nobody’s business, I work hard, I’ve got intensity and grit, I am dead calm in any storm. All things I learned from being executor of two estates at 19 while attending school full time.
The problem is, I no longer know what to do with any of that. Life quieted down so much after fifteen years of utter chaos, and now I’m incredibly aware of the fact that I’ve got nowhere to go back to and nowhere I’m expected to show up. I feel like a ship without a rudder, just drifting around without any direction, on a sea that’s gone calm for the first time I can remember.
It’s got me thinking of what all of the energy I used on tragedy could go toward. How I might be even better at my work. It’s got me thinking about taking a full time job somewhere I can mitigate chaos and make life easier for others besides myself. It’s got me thinking about going off to some foreign country for a few years. I don’t know. I’ve just started taking really crazy shots in the dark lately to try to find new things I could say yes to, but I don’t have any real sense of direction.
I don’t know if there’s an “answer” that makes this adrift, dislodged, floating feeling go away, but I need to find some new way forward now that it seems none of the old rules that I’m used to apply anymore.
If you’ve felt anything like this before, how’d you deal with it?
I highly recommend living abroad. There is no better shock to your entire system. I moved to Berlin 2.5 years ago, and I’ve grown more in that time than I had in many years prior. But I also have to ask: In the absence of chaos, how much fun are you having? Are you making time for yourself and your friends and doing things for no other reason than the fun of it? Is your everyday a checklist of things you do because you need to do them, or are you giving yourself space to slack off? What’s something you’ve always wanted to do but never had the time? Grace
On Wed, Sep 18, 2019 at 12:09 AM Joseph Rooks josephrooks@gmail.com wrote:
Hey ~ clubbers, this is a weird one, but I also feel like I’m among fairly self-aware people here, many I am familiar with and respect, and many others who are the kind of people who would be on this list to begin with.
I doubt the question I’m posing will be lost on you. And if it goes unanswered, well, I know it’s a pretty expansive and personal question. Maybe some of you will find it relevant, maybe you won’t. At the heart of the issue is my love of making things, and finding myself with no direction that leads me toward doing so.
Think that’s enough self-conscious sandbagging to cover the bases.
I’m 33 and I’ve been self-employed as a writer for most of my adult life. I stuck with it because circumstances demanded it – I’ve dealt with a lot of weirdly evenly spaced deaths in my family, been an estate executor twice, and now I am the last of my kind. I’m good at what I do, I negotiate and organize like nobody’s business, I work hard, I’ve got intensity and grit, I am dead calm in any storm. All things I learned from being executor of two estates at 19 while attending school full time.
The problem is, I no longer know what to do with any of that. Life quieted down so much after fifteen years of utter chaos, and now I’m incredibly aware of the fact that I’ve got nowhere to go back to and nowhere I’m expected to show up. I feel like a ship without a rudder, just drifting around without any direction, on a sea that’s gone calm for the first time I can remember.
It’s got me thinking of what all of the energy I used on tragedy could go toward. How I might be even better at my work. It’s got me thinking about taking a full time job somewhere I can mitigate chaos and make life easier for others besides myself. It’s got me thinking about going off to some foreign country for a few years. I don’t know. I’ve just started taking really crazy shots in the dark lately to try to find new things I could say yes to, but I don’t have any real sense of direction.
I don’t know if there’s an “answer” that makes this adrift, dislodged, floating feeling go away, but I need to find some new way forward now that it seems none of the old rules that I’m used to apply anymore.
If you’ve felt anything like this before, how’d you deal with it?
Hey Joseph and all others in this thread,
I’ve felt like I had to chime in here since yesterday I only half jokingly devoted my tilde existence to exactly this subject. I think the ~verse must be filled with people that are all creative, technical and idealistic in varying degrees. We may feel we’d like the world to develop in one direction while in our professional lives we are actively working to move it exactly the other way.
It sounds like your biggest problem boils down to being bored and having a lack of fullfilment. There has to be some movement somewhere that you can devote time and energy to that will give you that fuillfilment. Not going out of your way to look for that is a waste. Obviously what this is boils down to your own ideals and ambitions. This is your journey, and rest assured I struggle with mine too.
Feel free to read the douchebag manifesto I wrote about this yesterday:
Wishing you all the best,
Anarcho CP.
On 18 Sep 2019, at 00:09, Joseph Rooks josephrooks@gmail.com wrote:
Hey ~ clubbers, this is a weird one, but I also feel like I’m among fairly self-aware people here, many I am familiar with and respect, and many others who are the kind of people who would be on this list to begin with. I doubt the question I’m posing will be lost on you. And if it goes unanswered, well, I know it’s a pretty expansive and personal question. Maybe some of you will find it relevant, maybe you won’t. At the heart of the issue is my love of making things, and finding myself with no direction that leads me toward doing so. Think that’s enough self-conscious sandbagging to cover the bases. I’m 33 and I’ve been self-employed as a writer for most of my adult life. I stuck with it because circumstances demanded it – I’ve dealt with a lot of weirdly evenly spaced deaths in my family, been an estate executor twice, and now I am the last of my kind. I’m good at what I do, I negotiate and organize like nobody’s business, I work hard, I’ve got intensity and grit, I am dead calm in any storm. All things I learned from being executor of two estates at 19 while attending school full time. The problem is, I no longer know what to do with any of that. Life quieted down so much after fifteen years of utter chaos, and now I’m incredibly aware of the fact that I’ve got nowhere to go back to and nowhere I’m expected to show up. I feel like a ship without a rudder, just drifting around without any direction, on a sea that’s gone calm for the first time I can remember. It’s got me thinking of what all of the energy I used on tragedy could go toward. How I might be even better at my work. It’s got me thinking about taking a full time job somewhere I can mitigate chaos and make life easier for others besides myself. It’s got me thinking about going off to some foreign country for a few years. I don’t know. I’ve just started taking really crazy shots in the dark lately to try to find new things I could say yes to, but I don’t have any real sense of direction. I don’t know if there’s an “answer” that makes this adrift, dislodged, floating feeling go away, but I need to find some new way forward now that it seems none of the old rules that I’m used to apply anymore. If you’ve felt anything like this before, how’d you deal with it?
This may seem like a weird non-sequitur but do you have a pet? Sometimes having something else to be responsible for is anchoring. If you have a dog you have to get up and leave the house a certain number of times a day, and that alone can be a framework for building on top of. Plus they're soft and cuddly and probably no one drools on you enough as it is.
On Wed, Sep 18, 2019 at 5:35 AM Anarcho CyberPunx anarcho@tilde.club wrote:
Hey Joseph and all others in this thread,
I’ve felt like I had to chime in here since yesterday I only half jokingly devoted my tilde existence to exactly this subject. I think the ~verse must be filled with people that are all creative, technical and idealistic in varying degrees. We may feel we’d like the world to develop in one direction while in our professional lives we are actively working to move it exactly the other way.
It sounds like your biggest problem boils down to being bored and having a lack of fullfilment. There has to be some movement somewhere that you can devote time and energy to that will give you that fuillfilment. Not going out of your way to look for that is a waste. Obviously what this is boils down to your own ideals and ambitions. This is your journey, and rest assured I struggle with mine too.
Feel free to read the douchebag manifesto I wrote about this yesterday:
Wishing you all the best,
Anarcho CP.
On 18 Sep 2019, at 00:09, Joseph Rooks josephrooks@gmail.com wrote:
Hey ~ clubbers, this is a weird one, but I also feel like I’m among fairly self-aware people here, many I am familiar with and respect, and many others who are the kind of people who would be on this list to begin with.
I doubt the question I’m posing will be lost on you. And if it goes unanswered, well, I know it’s a pretty expansive and personal question. Maybe some of you will find it relevant, maybe you won’t. At the heart of the issue is my love of making things, and finding myself with no direction that leads me toward doing so.
Think that’s enough self-conscious sandbagging to cover the bases.
I’m 33 and I’ve been self-employed as a writer for most of my adult life. I stuck with it because circumstances demanded it – I’ve dealt with a lot of weirdly evenly spaced deaths in my family, been an estate executor twice, and now I am the last of my kind. I’m good at what I do, I negotiate and organize like nobody’s business, I work hard, I’ve got intensity and grit, I am dead calm in any storm. All things I learned from being executor of two estates at 19 while attending school full time.
The problem is, I no longer know what to do with any of that. Life quieted down so much after fifteen years of utter chaos, and now I’m incredibly aware of the fact that I’ve got nowhere to go back to and nowhere I’m expected to show up. I feel like a ship without a rudder, just drifting around without any direction, on a sea that’s gone calm for the first time I can remember.
It’s got me thinking of what all of the energy I used on tragedy could go toward. How I might be even better at my work. It’s got me thinking about taking a full time job somewhere I can mitigate chaos and make life easier for others besides myself. It’s got me thinking about going off to some foreign country for a few years. I don’t know. I’ve just started taking really crazy shots in the dark lately to try to find new things I could say yes to, but I don’t have any real sense of direction.
I don’t know if there’s an “answer” that makes this adrift, dislodged, floating feeling go away, but I need to find some new way forward now that it seems none of the old rules that I’m used to apply anymore.
If you’ve felt anything like this before, how’d you deal with it?
I feel like a ship without a rudder, just drifting around without any
direction, on a sea that’s gone calm for the first time I can remember.
Perhaps this is a sign that now's a good time to drop an anchor. Put down roots. Develop your sense of self outside of crisis.
I’ve just started taking really crazy shots in the dark lately to try
to find new things I could say yes to, but I don’t have any real sense of direction.
If these are longer-term activities you'll find out over time if this is your direction or not. You don't have to know going in if this is the "right thing" or if you'll still want to do it in 5 years (and truly you cannot really know until you get there anyway) It's also ok to not really have a direction I think, though society might say otherwise.
I also wanted to plug therapy. Even if you don't feel like you "need it" or like you "have a problem" it can be really helpful to talk things out with a professional. Sometimes there's stuff you don't want to tell your friends or don't trust your friends to react to the way you need, therapy's good for that. Therapists can also give you new insight on stuff you have already thought about. And they can help you find directions if you want that.
~Smitheroons
This thread – and the rest of this mailing list really – reminds me of this game Kind Words (lo fi chill beats to write to): https://store.steampowered.com/app/1070710/Kind_Words_lo_fi_chill_beats_to_w...
Except in this case, instead of writing to totally random internet people, it's a sort of curated small subsection of thoughtful internet folks.
This is a long way of saying I’ve been really enjoying it :)
Paul
Same here, Joseph. I often felt like a puzzle piece for a puzzle that doesn’t exist and still sometimes do..
I think that as others have pointed out, travel can be good for lending you perspective and Seeing your own life in a way you haven’t. If you can swing it, try to do it for an extended period of time as your professional, personal and family obligations allow.
I’m not sure if anyone has mentioned it yet, but therapy helped to give me the tools to deal with a lot of BS on my own.. I also recommend this if you can swing it. I’d also say that dealing with death and responsibility at a young age might also be good to sort through with the help of counseling. I’d also like to add that if you think you might be depressed (it’s not always self-apparent), do talk to someone about it.
Finding a direction in life is a tough thing to do and everyone needs to do it on their own, and while letting the wind blow you where it may is an option, but I feel it’s good to have some general goals about what you want out of life even if they’re small.. That said it sounds like you are used to some challenge and are looking for more of that. This time though no-one is handing you a challenge. This is the moment your whole life has been building up to and it sounds like you’re in a bit of a “well now what “ moment.. The challenge for you is to create your next challenge. Maybe you have a book or three in you waiting to get out, or maybe you’re looking for a new career and you haven’t realized it yet.
Luckily though you have a lot of the tools realize this and figure this out. Take as much time for yourself as you can and document your thinking and empty it out onto a page somewhere. Travel as you can. Even if it’s a week in the country with a backpack or couch surfing for a few weeks. Talk to people, get their perspectives and broaden your own.
I think you got this. <3
_michael
On September 17, 2019 at 3:09:57 PM, Joseph Rooks (josephrooks@gmail.com) wrote:
Hey ~ clubbers, this is a weird one, but I also feel like I’m among fairly self-aware people here, many I am familiar with and respect, and many others who are the kind of people who would be on this list to begin with.
I doubt the question I’m posing will be lost on you. And if it goes unanswered, well, I know it’s a pretty expansive and personal question. Maybe some of you will find it relevant, maybe you won’t. At the heart of the issue is my love of making things, and finding myself with no direction that leads me toward doing so.
Think that’s enough self-conscious sandbagging to cover the bases.
I’m 33 and I’ve been self-employed as a writer for most of my adult life. I stuck with it because circumstances demanded it – I’ve dealt with a lot of weirdly evenly spaced deaths in my family, been an estate executor twice, and now I am the last of my kind. I’m good at what I do, I negotiate and organize like nobody’s business, I work hard, I’ve got intensity and grit, I am dead calm in any storm. All things I learned from being executor of two estates at 19 while attending school full time.
The problem is, I no longer know what to do with any of that. Life quieted down so much after fifteen years of utter chaos, and now I’m incredibly aware of the fact that I’ve got nowhere to go back to and nowhere I’m expected to show up. I feel like a ship without a rudder, just drifting around without any direction, on a sea that’s gone calm for the first time I can remember.
It’s got me thinking of what all of the energy I used on tragedy could go toward. How I might be even better at my work. It’s got me thinking about taking a full time job somewhere I can mitigate chaos and make life easier for others besides myself. It’s got me thinking about going off to some foreign country for a few years. I don’t know. I’ve just started taking really crazy shots in the dark lately to try to find new things I could say yes to, but I don’t have any real sense of direction.
I don’t know if there’s an “answer” that makes this adrift, dislodged, floating feeling go away, but I need to find some new way forward now that it seems none of the old rules that I’m used to apply anymore.
If you’ve felt anything like this before, how’d you deal with it?
I am not usually the person who suggests one find inspiration in literature. But part of this thread has reminded me of Georges Perec's "Life, a User's Manual". the protagonist of which must find some way to spend his life, having inherited a small fortune at a young age. He settles upon a scheme where he creates, solves, then destroys jigsaw puzzles, a plan which is rudely interrupted by reality. Though I'm afraid this is not helpful advice. Best of luck,
On Wed, Sep 18, 2019 at 10:08 AM michael coyote michaelguldan@gmail.com wrote:
Same here, Joseph. I often felt like a puzzle piece for a puzzle that doesn’t exist and still sometimes do..
I think that as others have pointed out, travel can be good for lending you perspective and Seeing your own life in a way you haven’t. If you can swing it, try to do it for an extended period of time as your professional, personal and family obligations allow.
I’m not sure if anyone has mentioned it yet, but therapy helped to give me the tools to deal with a lot of BS on my own.. I also recommend this if you can swing it. I’d also say that dealing with death and responsibility at a young age might also be good to sort through with the help of counseling. I’d also like to add that if you think you might be depressed (it’s not always self-apparent), do talk to someone about it.
Finding a direction in life is a tough thing to do and everyone needs to do it on their own, and while letting the wind blow you where it may is an option, but I feel it’s good to have some general goals about what you want out of life even if they’re small.. That said it sounds like you are used to some challenge and are looking for more of that. This time though no-one is handing you a challenge. This is the moment your whole life has been building up to and it sounds like you’re in a bit of a “well now what “ moment.. The challenge for you is to create your next challenge. Maybe you have a book or three in you waiting to get out, or maybe you’re looking for a new career and you haven’t realized it yet.
Luckily though you have a lot of the tools realize this and figure this out. Take as much time for yourself as you can and document your thinking and empty it out onto a page somewhere. Travel as you can. Even if it’s a week in the country with a backpack or couch surfing for a few weeks. Talk to people, get their perspectives and broaden your own.
I think you got this. <3
_michael
On September 17, 2019 at 3:09:57 PM, Joseph Rooks (josephrooks@gmail.com) wrote:
Hey ~ clubbers, this is a weird one, but I also feel like I’m among fairly self-aware people here, many I am familiar with and respect, and many others who are the kind of people who would be on this list to begin with.
I doubt the question I’m posing will be lost on you. And if it goes unanswered, well, I know it’s a pretty expansive and personal question. Maybe some of you will find it relevant, maybe you won’t. At the heart of the issue is my love of making things, and finding myself with no direction that leads me toward doing so.
Think that’s enough self-conscious sandbagging to cover the bases.
I’m 33 and I’ve been self-employed as a writer for most of my adult life. I stuck with it because circumstances demanded it – I’ve dealt with a lot of weirdly evenly spaced deaths in my family, been an estate executor twice, and now I am the last of my kind. I’m good at what I do, I negotiate and organize like nobody’s business, I work hard, I’ve got intensity and grit, I am dead calm in any storm. All things I learned from being executor of two estates at 19 while attending school full time.
The problem is, I no longer know what to do with any of that. Life quieted down so much after fifteen years of utter chaos, and now I’m incredibly aware of the fact that I’ve got nowhere to go back to and nowhere I’m expected to show up. I feel like a ship without a rudder, just drifting around without any direction, on a sea that’s gone calm for the first time I can remember.
It’s got me thinking of what all of the energy I used on tragedy could go toward. How I might be even better at my work. It’s got me thinking about taking a full time job somewhere I can mitigate chaos and make life easier for others besides myself. It’s got me thinking about going off to some foreign country for a few years. I don’t know. I’ve just started taking really crazy shots in the dark lately to try to find new things I could say yes to, but I don’t have any real sense of direction.
I don’t know if there’s an “answer” that makes this adrift, dislodged, floating feeling go away, but I need to find some new way forward now that it seems none of the old rules that I’m used to apply anymore.
If you’ve felt anything like this before, how’d you deal with it?
I've found I have to wake up every day knowing that I'm devoting all I've got to work that satisfies my conscience. That sounds crazy! I know. I had to change a lot to achieve that condition, inside and out. Face my materialistic attitudes and habits, downsize in every way from house to haircuts, cut down like 80% on air travel, and take much bigger risks in my career and work.
It's a Pascal's Wager kind of reasoning; I know I'm insignificant and my contributions will likely be small, even futile... but what if they're not? Just in case?
The learned hopelessness I think is the worst part of what's happened, but the good news is, you can unlearn it.
I am sorry to hear about your having had to face difficult circumstances so early in your life. Reading your note reminded me of Francis Bacon's remark, 'The good things that belong to prosperity are to be wished; but the good things that belong to adversity are to be admired.' Your perspective is good and will yield good results.
all best
Maria.
p.s. I wrote about a related aspect of Pascal's Wager reasoning here https://popula.com/2019/03/03/pascals-climate/.
On Tue, Sep 17, 2019 at 3:09 PM Joseph Rooks josephrooks@gmail.com wrote:
Hey ~ clubbers, this is a weird one, but I also feel like I’m among fairly self-aware people here, many I am familiar with and respect, and many others who are the kind of people who would be on this list to begin with.
I doubt the question I’m posing will be lost on you. And if it goes unanswered, well, I know it’s a pretty expansive and personal question. Maybe some of you will find it relevant, maybe you won’t. At the heart of the issue is my love of making things, and finding myself with no direction that leads me toward doing so.
Think that’s enough self-conscious sandbagging to cover the bases.
I’m 33 and I’ve been self-employed as a writer for most of my adult life. I stuck with it because circumstances demanded it – I’ve dealt with a lot of weirdly evenly spaced deaths in my family, been an estate executor twice, and now I am the last of my kind. I’m good at what I do, I negotiate and organize like nobody’s business, I work hard, I’ve got intensity and grit, I am dead calm in any storm. All things I learned from being executor of two estates at 19 while attending school full time.
The problem is, I no longer know what to do with any of that. Life quieted down so much after fifteen years of utter chaos, and now I’m incredibly aware of the fact that I’ve got nowhere to go back to and nowhere I’m expected to show up. I feel like a ship without a rudder, just drifting around without any direction, on a sea that’s gone calm for the first time I can remember.
It’s got me thinking of what all of the energy I used on tragedy could go toward. How I might be even better at my work. It’s got me thinking about taking a full time job somewhere I can mitigate chaos and make life easier for others besides myself. It’s got me thinking about going off to some foreign country for a few years. I don’t know. I’ve just started taking really crazy shots in the dark lately to try to find new things I could say yes to, but I don’t have any real sense of direction.
I don’t know if there’s an “answer” that makes this adrift, dislodged, floating feeling go away, but I need to find some new way forward now that it seems none of the old rules that I’m used to apply anymore.
If you’ve felt anything like this before, how’d you deal with it?
I just want to say thank you to everyone who’s sharing their thoughts with me to the list and privately. Some of it is new for me to consider, and some of it is giving me words for the amorphous gut feelings I have so I can purposefully think about them. Kind of like how water vapor needs something to coalesce around to become a cloud you can see, and eventually fall back down to nourish the earth -- and not just a thick, suffocating humidity you can only feel. Many thanks for your thoughts.
From: Maria Bustillos Sent: Wednesday, September 18, 2019 1:18 PM To: Joseph Rooks Cc: tildeclub@lists.tildeverse.org Subject: Re: What do you do if you feel adrift?
I've found I have to wake up every day knowing that I'm devoting all I've got to work that satisfies my conscience. That sounds crazy! I know. I had to change a lot to achieve that condition, inside and out. Face my materialistic attitudes and habits, downsize in every way from house to haircuts, cut down like 80% on air travel, and take much bigger risks in my career and work.
It's a Pascal's Wager kind of reasoning; I know I'm insignificant and my contributions will likely be small, even futile... but what if they're not? Just in case?
The learned hopelessness I think is the worst part of what's happened, but the good news is, you can unlearn it.
I am sorry to hear about your having had to face difficult circumstances so early in your life. Reading your note reminded me of Francis Bacon's remark, 'The good things that belong to prosperity are to be wished; but the good things that belong to adversity are to be admired.' Your perspective is good and will yield good results.
all best
Maria.
p.s. I wrote about a related aspect of Pascal's Wager reasoning here.
On Tue, Sep 17, 2019 at 3:09 PM Joseph Rooks josephrooks@gmail.com wrote: Hey ~ clubbers, this is a weird one, but I also feel like I’m among fairly self-aware people here, many I am familiar with and respect, and many others who are the kind of people who would be on this list to begin with. I doubt the question I’m posing will be lost on you. And if it goes unanswered, well, I know it’s a pretty expansive and personal question. Maybe some of you will find it relevant, maybe you won’t. At the heart of the issue is my love of making things, and finding myself with no direction that leads me toward doing so. Think that’s enough self-conscious sandbagging to cover the bases. I’m 33 and I’ve been self-employed as a writer for most of my adult life. I stuck with it because circumstances demanded it – I’ve dealt with a lot of weirdly evenly spaced deaths in my family, been an estate executor twice, and now I am the last of my kind. I’m good at what I do, I negotiate and organize like nobody’s business, I work hard, I’ve got intensity and grit, I am dead calm in any storm. All things I learned from being executor of two estates at 19 while attending school full time. The problem is, I no longer know what to do with any of that. Life quieted down so much after fifteen years of utter chaos, and now I’m incredibly aware of the fact that I’ve got nowhere to go back to and nowhere I’m expected to show up. I feel like a ship without a rudder, just drifting around without any direction, on a sea that’s gone calm for the first time I can remember. It’s got me thinking of what all of the energy I used on tragedy could go toward. How I might be even better at my work. It’s got me thinking about taking a full time job somewhere I can mitigate chaos and make life easier for others besides myself. It’s got me thinking about going off to some foreign country for a few years. I don’t know. I’ve just started taking really crazy shots in the dark lately to try to find new things I could say yes to, but I don’t have any real sense of direction. I don’t know if there’s an “answer” that makes this adrift, dislodged, floating feeling go away, but I need to find some new way forward now that it seems none of the old rules that I’m used to apply anymore. If you’ve felt anything like this before, how’d you deal with it?
That doesn't sound at all crazy. Quite the opposite. It's encouraging to hear about people doing their best to align their actions with their conscience. The world is a better place for it.
On 9/18/19 12:18, Maria Bustillos wrote:
I've found I have to wake up every day knowing that I'm devoting all I've got to work that satisfies my conscience. That sounds crazy! I know. I had to change a lot to achieve that condition, inside and out. Face my materialistic attitudes and habits, downsize in every way from house to haircuts, cut down like 80% on air travel, and take much bigger risks in my career and work.
It's a Pascal's Wager kind of reasoning; I know I'm insignificant and my contributions will likely be small, even futile... but what if they're not? Just in case?
The learned hopelessness I think is the worst part of what's happened, but the good news is, you can unlearn it.
I am sorry to hear about your having had to face difficult circumstances so early in your life. Reading your note reminded me of Francis Bacon's remark, 'The good things that belong to prosperity are to be wished; but the good things that belong to adversity are to be admired.' Your perspective is good and will yield good results.
all best
Maria.
p.s. I wrote about a related aspect of Pascal's Wager reasoning here https://popula.com/2019/03/03/pascals-climate/.
On Tue, Sep 17, 2019 at 3:09 PM Joseph Rooks <josephrooks@gmail.com mailto:josephrooks@gmail.com> wrote:
Hey ~ clubbers, this is a weird one, but I also feel like I’m among fairly self-aware people here, many I am familiar with and respect, and many others who are the kind of people who would be on this list to begin with. I doubt the question I’m posing will be lost on you. And if it goes unanswered, well, I know it’s a pretty expansive and personal question. Maybe some of you will find it relevant, maybe you won’t. At the heart of the issue is my love of making things, and finding myself with no direction that leads me toward doing so. Think that’s enough self-conscious sandbagging to cover the bases. I’m 33 and I’ve been self-employed as a writer for most of my adult life. I stuck with it because circumstances demanded it – I’ve dealt with a lot of weirdly evenly spaced deaths in my family, been an estate executor twice, and now I am the last of my kind. I’m good at what I do, I negotiate and organize like nobody’s business, I work hard, I’ve got intensity and grit, I am dead calm in any storm. All things I learned from being executor of two estates at 19 while attending school full time. The problem is, I no longer know what to do with any of that. Life quieted down so much after fifteen years of utter chaos, and now I’m incredibly aware of the fact that I’ve got nowhere to go back to and nowhere I’m expected to show up. I feel like a ship without a rudder, just drifting around without any direction, on a sea that’s gone calm for the first time I can remember. It’s got me thinking of what all of the energy I used on tragedy could go toward. How I might be even better at my work. It’s got me thinking about taking a full time job somewhere I can mitigate chaos and make life easier for others besides myself. It’s got me thinking about going off to some foreign country for a few years. I don’t know. I’ve just started taking really crazy shots in the dark lately to try to find new things I could say yes to, but I don’t have any real sense of direction. I don’t know if there’s an “answer” that makes this adrift, dislodged, floating feeling go away, but I need to find some new way forward now that it seems none of the old rules that I’m used to apply anymore. If you’ve felt anything like this before, how’d you deal with it?
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